It is with terrible sadness, I am blogging about the passing of our dog, Magick.
She was a wonderful, loving creature - we were blessed to have shared her short life with her. We adopted her in November 2001 when she was barely 8 wks old.
She died on Friday, February 17, 2006 at the U of Penn Vet Hospital. We held her head, telling her over and over how much we love her and that it was ok to leave us. Dr. Morgan was very kind and my DH saw her wipe tears from her eyes as she performed the procedure.
Last weekend, Magick started to feel ill. We thought perhaps it was a doggie-flu. She was being treated for problems with her rectal-area. We thought it was a result of dry-food. We added fish oil to her diet. Saturday she showed little interest in food. barely ate unless we hand-fed her. Sunday she didn’t eat at all and only went outside twice. Monday we took her to our vets. they x-rayed her and did yet another rectal exam.
The x-rays showed a mass, on top of her colon. An ultrasound was recommended but that she would need another procedure (TBD by the ultrasound) so it was best if we took her to an animal ER/specialist immediately. We determined the best place for us, would be U of Penn. we came home, while Magick remained at the vets, receiving IV-fluids. We hurriedly packed clothes, made phone calls to have our bunnies taken care of in our absence, and left for Philly (a 5+ hr drive from here).
On Tuesday, she had an ultrasound & needle-aspiration. The devastating result — cancer. Lymphoma. on her kidneys, spleen & lymph glands. The mass was actually her lymph glands, so surgery was ruled out immediately. So our nightmare began. Chemo was started immediately.
But our girl was so sick. She was still throwing up. Wednesday, she perked up — it looked hopeful but we waited for the bloodwork to show the chemo was working. Thursday she started to feel worse. Bloodwork showed her kidneys were close to failing. More throwing up.
Friday morning, she wouldn’t get up to outside. We got the phone call — the phone call none of us ever want. Her bloodwork had greatly worsened overnight and she was throwing up more, with blood, indicating her GI tract was irritated. We rushed to the hospital to help our baby girl make that final journey. My beautiful baby girl. Her life cut way too short. She was only 4.5 yrs old. She was never ever sick before this week. This cancer just spreads so quickly — and silently. Hardly any symptoms. Every Dr. told us — we didn’t miss ANYTHING. We didn’t delay treatment.
We knew the responsbilities of owning a pet. That at some point, we would have to help her cross, in all likelihood. But we NEVER EVER thought we’d being facing this at 4 yrs old. never.
So we had to come back home, without our beautiful girl. With HUGE holes in our hearts. We spent the weekend at my in-laws, watching tv. We just got home on Sunday evening. Facing the front door. facing her crate, her toys, her food bowls. The torture of putting those items aside - out of sight for the moment. Some to be donated to shelters, some to be given to other family members’ dogs. The sobbing so much that I couldn’t walk or stand up. The primal-scream kind you only see on bad tv shows. We lived it. It sucked.
We owe her so much. We had to do this for ourselves. It was brutal. going to sleep that first night. We slept on the floor in the living room. Can’t sleep in the bedroom yet (partially because I needed to steam-clean the carpet because she had thrown up Monday morning before we rushed to the vets and didn’t have time to really clean it up before rushing to Philly — we had higher priorities.)
We do not, for one second, regret our decision to go to Philly. We gave her the best chance to beat this - we didn’t care how much our vet bill was going to be. We didn’t want to look back and think - if we had spent $500 more - maybe she would still be with us. I have no idea what the final bill is but I imagine it will be close to $4000. I say this as a caution for those reading who have dogs. How much is their life worth to you? Enough to forego this year’s vacation? This year’s bonus? wipe out your savings?
To us, the answer was a very, very loud YES. But unfortunately, our ending isn’t a happy one.
I asked my girl to send us another angel - when we’re ready. Some other puppy that needs a wonderful home. I think she understood. i told her it was her job, at the Bridge. To look after us - and our bunnies. To send us another puppy that needs us. We also told her to go ahead - to go play with her buddy Kodiak, who had crossed last year. Her ears perked up at the mention of his name. We told her to give him lots and lots of kisses for us. and that it was ok to let go — she would be safe and not hurting anymore.
And within moments, our girl’s lively spirit wasn’t in the room anymore. Just her body. And I couldn’t sit there, without her spirit. We are somewhat comforted by the fact that we know in our hearts, that she wasn’t scared or in pain. She went surrounded by as much love and kisses as we could send her off with.
Leaving the hospital was a daze. We had discussed cremation with our vet in Philly prior. But, we knew it was a teaching hospital. one of the best vet schools in teh country. Our last gift — her last loving gesture — was to allow them to perform an autopsy, as long as we got her back to us whenever they had performed the autopsy. (yes, i know it’s not an autopsy for an animal — but to us, she was a small person, so to me, autopsy is appropriate.). We thought if it would help drs find a cure for this dreadful cancer - one that is too common for canines, it would help. We don’t need to kmow the results. All we know is that our girl is gone. We don’t really need to know the whys — at least not now. We have asked that our local vet be supplied with the results, so if in the future, we do decide we want to know, she will have that info for us.
I must stress that the dr never broached the subject — we did. She was very very grateful for the gesture. But we were adamant that we needed our girl’s remains back with us. and were assured this would be so.
That will be another brutal day in our future. We believe in keeping our pets ashes with us. When we finallly depart this earth, our pets will be cremated with us. (Boy, isn’t that just more morbid thoughts today!).
I know when faced with difficult circumstances, there is supposed to be a lesson in there. I’m finding it very difficult to see what lesson could be learned from making a beautiful, innocent creature suffer in any manner. Yes, they were able to give her some pain meds - but Wed-friday they couldn’t because it would interfere even more with the poor functioning of her kidneys. She was nauseated and throwing-up but we were assured that the pain wasn’t intense. She was still eager to go outside and pulled the techs down the hall. until friday.
I’m hoping that somebody else out there will learn some lesson from all of this.
That you take your pet to the vet as soon as any weird behavior or symptoms occur. Surely the office visit fee is less money than what you would spend when faced with ER care when it is life-threatening. We didn’t miss any symptoms.
Love your pet. everyday. Take pictures. Make a BIG deal out of Gotcha-Days, Birthdays (even if you have to estimate the date..), gift-giving holidays. Spoil them. They are only with us for such a short time. We are so grateful for the webpages we have, with lots of pictures of Magick.
Decide BEFORE your pet is sick - if euthanizing is called-for, will you be in the room with your pet? Do you plan to cremate, bury or get an urn or some memorial box? Knowing these things - letting your vet know ahead of time, can help you from making snap decisions you may regret.
What lengths would you go to save your pet? we all say we would do whatever it took — but would we? Could you drop EVERYTHING — take time off work, leave your house with an hrs notice to go to an ER, possibly several hrs from your house? At U of Penn, they want a deposit of 1/3rd the estimate cost upon admittance into the ER. We were looking at $1000 deposit. Credit-cards come in handy. Not to mention the cost of the hotel we had to stay in (and room service when we couldn’t face the outside world). We had to buy some clothes (running out of undies & socks — it seemed cheaper to buy new than pay hotel laundry service - it also gave us “something to do” while waiting)
Print out the directions to the ER/specialist center closest to you - before your pet is sick. discuss this with your vet ahead of time. Some vets might prefer other ER centers (have contacts there, etc.). Having mapquested these directions (along with a list of hotesl in the area) can come in handy when urgency is needed. When your pet is so sick, you may not be in the right frame of mind to boot your PC and get this info.
At U of Penn, we could only see our girl for 15-20 min a day. That was incredibly hard for us - it was surreal. We didn’t feel like doing touristy things in Philadelphia. It was difficult to judge how she was feeling. And we missed our girl. She wasn’t fearful of the dr or anybody else in the ward, so that helped us. The dr was wonderful with our girl. Again, no regrets about our decisions. We just wouldn’t like to make them again. We want our girl healthy. back with us.
but now we have to get used to life without her energy - her puppy kisses greeting us at the door. Her sitting pretty when it’s time to go potty. Her ears perking upwards even more at the mention of a “bye-bye in the car” or “walk” or “ice-cream”.
We are coping. more hours are going by between sobbing outbursts. We’re discussing adopting another bundle of joy. Not as a replacement but as an addition to our family. Magick will send us somebody appropriate. Somebody that will bring joy and laughter into our house. We are good puppy-parents. and we will be again.
We went to the Western PA humane society this afternoon and played with two puppies. It was wonderful for us. Being around so much life and kisses. We shall see what happens. It helps me — looking at dogs that need good homes. Thinking about which ones will be a good fit for our bunny-filled household (no terriers, hounds or beagles…). We both love labs. I’d like a yellow lab - less resemblance to our black lab love, Magick. But the DH adores black labs - so we’re open to whomever she sends. She’ll know what’s best for us.
So, I’m going to end this incredibly long blog post.
My beautiful, beautiful puppy-girl, Magick, Mommy loves you — always. There is no past-tense. We love you when you were here with us - and we love you now that you’re at the Bridge. Love doesn’t stop. We will see you again and I will miss you every second we’re apart. When I close my eyes at night, i’m wrapping my arms around my sweet-baby girl and giving you a snuggle. You have a huge part of my heart with you - so please send it back to me, in the form of a new puppy for us to dote-on, spoil and love. (and it wouldn’t hurt if you did this SOON!).
